Communicating peacefully

Lately I witnessed a lot of instances where person A asks a question, B answers, A then goes off on a tangent, and asks a question that B already answered a few comments up. You’ve been in this situation, I’m sure, it’s frustrating.

Among the thoughts that come up, these are probably in there:

• Uh Jesus Christ, could you just read what I wrote?!
• I already answered, what...
• As per my last email...
• In case you missed it...

And they’re sort of valid, at least when it comes to our snap emotional responses, because really, who wants to repeat work? There’s also the feeling that if I missed a comment, others would rain down on me, so if they miss a comment, I should be allowed to rain down on them. Which is fair, and you’re technically allowed, it’s just not a good show.

Here’s how I think about this. At the end of the day, I want to solve an issue. I need the other person to solve the issue. I can either get passive aggressive, or straight up aggressive aggressive and confrontational in my writing style, in a feeble attempt to “put them in their place,” or I can work on solving the issue. Thinking about it, why should I get to decide who needs to be put in their place, and who doesn’t? Why do I have this inflated sense of self where I feel it’s okay to berate someone for missing a comment? I could instead just repeat what info they need, or refer them kindly to the wall of text I already wrote down in a helpful way, and move about my day.

“But Gabor,” I hear you say, “surely they did this on purpose to piss me off!” That may be.

And?

Why do you concern yourself with this? The only way they can piss you off is if you get pissed off. If you take it personally. If you take the bait and play on their turf, and once you do, you’ve already lost in the theoretical game.

You could just ignore their passive aggressive attempts and respond to the words they said. If they keep asking for clarification, you keep clarifying. From the outside you will look helpful, they will look as if they don’t understand the thing.

If it becomes a problem, and the issue is persistent, by all means flag it up with your manager. There are also a bunch of different ways to deal with these kinds of comments: not responding for a while, and then asking “Are you okay?” Or asking “Did you mean to say that out loud?” It’s a power move, and you either don’t play, or if you do, you should make sure to win. But in the vast majority of times, do not play into them.